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freedompath
15 August 2007 @ 11:55 am
Good-bye  
Several years ago, my life partner wrote a song about saying “Good-bye” to someone he loved, his father. I recently ran across a recording of this song and listened to the words, as it had been a long time. Sadly, the song has taken on a whole new meaning for me. For years, I cried for him as I knew how close they were and how much I knew he missed his best friend. Now, I cry for me, knowing I’ve lost mine. The night before his Dad past away, he held both of our hands and told us to take care of each other. I promised I would. Now, I don’t get to keep that promise.  
 
I know in my mind that this had to happen, but the heart does not understand logic. It knows only loss.  It would be so easy to give into the anger; to become consumed by the betrayal, the deception. I could easily become the screaming, wailing bitch on wheels, destroying everything in my path. But, what good would that really do, in the end? Why should I contribute one more drop of angst in the pool of the world’s ills? Why should I perpetuate any more negativity in the world? Isn’t there enough already?
 
I loved and I lost. But, that doesn’t take away from the beauty, warmth and passion of love. No relationship comes with everlasting certainty. I recall the moment that I knew I surrendered my heart and soul to what I believed was the last love I would ever know; that starkly, euphoric title wave of bliss I felt to the tips of every synapses in my being. It was Nirvana. I remember saying, every day after this one would simply be gravy, for I knew what it meant to say , “I love you”, probably for the first time in my life.
 
I am blessed to know the depths to which I can love. Although, right now, it is the depths to which I hurt, which makes it hard to even breathe.
 
Maybe someday, when the bleak, darkness of despair gives way to the dawn of acceptance, I will come to understand Kierkegaard’s doctrine of despair to faith and "the task must be made difficult, for only the difficult inspires the noble-hearted”. Or more simply, I will truly embrace the edict that it is better to love and lost, then never to have loved at all.      
 
 I just received word. My divorce is final.    
 
 
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: My ex-husband's voice
 
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freedompath
04 August 2007 @ 12:07 pm
River  
Recently, I was given some news that forever will alter the way I look at the things and people around me. It seems this phase of my life continues to thrust me into realities I never conceived of experiencing. I struggle to adapt, absorb, accept, understand, all the while searching for the underlying, rhetorical “why?”. Lost in thought, with the residue of demeaning nightmare imagery still wafting through my mind, I stare hypnotized as the swift current of the river runs past me. Then, it hits me, this river is life, my life; forever unrelenting, unyielding, unstopping.
 
No matter what happens, the river’s not going to stop. What it encounters may result in its course changing, but its not going to stop. Drought and despair may lower it, creating trickles where water once rushed, but it won’t stop. Fortune and rain may explode it out of its banks in a torrid flood of consumption, but it won’t stop. It carries the burden of boats and barges, logs and pollution. Not unlike we carry the responsibilities of jobs, families, illnesses, emotions, and the challenge of waking up everyday and taking a step forward, the river of life’s determination won’t stop.
 
It’s tempting to simply dive in and let this watery coach carry me to whatever life or fate lies down stream, but its strength would win out over my own. I can choose to expect the spearing branches of debris to stab my illusions of life and attempt to navigate around them, or like out-of-sight limbs that snag on rocks, I can be consumed by the piercing jabs of the unexpected and fall victim to them.
 
There is one small, comfort of a meandering epiphany that rides atop the torment. I gave away the greatest gift I had to give to my best friend, which in a nut shell, was me. I gave the vessel of my trust, self and soul, assuming it would be in the safest, most protective, most cherished, respected possession. I realize now, I threw my self into the river, assuming the river would take care of me. I allowed my core to be consumed by the needs of another living entity. Needless to say, the undertow of lurking, unexpected betrayal punctured the hull and the drowning waters of sorrow washed the contents away.
 
Like small buoys and bobbers, popping up, I’m beginning to spy fragment of my core that was held in reserve. I’m still here. The river of my life, although reduced to a trickle of late is still flowing and with the showers of determination, the volume of self will grow and reclaim the land of self-confidence that once lay below its depths.
 
My life’s course is forever altered by events that were beyond my control, But, that doesn’t mean that these alterations will stop the flow of discovery or experience. It simply means, the waters are just a little more challenging to navigate as the rivers rolls on.  
 
 
Current Location: River bank
 
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freedompath
31 July 2007 @ 08:43 am
In an attempt to show perspective...  
As a recipient of daily meditation passages, I often receive quotes or observations that are very thought –provoking. Today’s was particularly introspective and I’d like to share simply because of the comments I’ve read over the last few days that make me wonder: if we were to take a step back from the here and now and look behind us at our actions/choices and then look ahead, using that knowledge learnt from mistakes/accomplishments – would the decisions we make today or in the future be altered ,if we were truly aware of  their long-term impact? How often do we really ponder the lasting effects or our choices? What choices were made seven generations ago by our ancestors that allow us the privilege of being able to exchange our thoughts/ideas/concerns/frustrations today?
 
“ Look behind you. See your sons and your daughters. They are your future. Look farther and see your sons' and your daughters' children and their children's children even unto the Seventh Generation. That's the way we were taught. Think about it: you yourself are a Seventh Generation." --Leon Shenandoah, ONONDAGA
 
The Creator designed us with a free will. That means we function from choices and consequences. It is important that we practice thinking about consequences before we make decisions about choices. Every choice I make is like setting up dominos one after the other that produce consequences. Not just for me but also for my children and for the children that are unborn. My choices and decision today will have consequences for seven generations… Great Spirit, grant that the choices and decisions that I make today will honor Your laws and values. May I live in peace today that will ripple into the seventh generation.” – www.whitebison.org
 
Whether we have biological children or simply choose to pass on our knowledge to the next generation by music, art , writing, community activity, teaching  - aren’t we influencing the generations to come by the choices we make today? If a child observes a harsh/cruel/violent exchange in the store what impact will that have on the child versus if they spy a gentle/kind gesture between people? In either scenario, it was the choice of the individuals engaged that created the behavior observed.  How simple the act of throwing a rock into the water that it has such a lasting ripple effect, which continues long after the rock has settled on the bottom. If you had one message that you would want the seventh generation to know as irrefutable truth, what would it be?  
 
 
Current Location: in bed
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: distant trains
 
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freedompath
23 July 2007 @ 10:52 am
Echoes of hope...fade  
I watched as a red moon set last night. Fitting in a way. Unlike the brilliant white glowing light of the Mother, eliminating the soft blues and grays of night time shadows, this eve’s descent depicted the essence of a pained demise. When hope is gone, it leaves behind a vacancy, a void, without limits, where echoes of it fade to mere murmurs in the distant dark depths. There appeared no light from the sky, only the blood stained reminder of a broken heart.
 
They say when one door closes another one opens. I suppose this necessitates closing the first, which is what I’ve refused to do, trying to influence a difference by sheer will. Not unlike the fading murmurs of an echo lost, I found myself sitting quietly on the cliff of despair, listening intently for some sigh of hope’s melodic return. But alas, this is not to be the case. If I am to have anything left of my own strength and will to survive, I must abandon my watchful post.  Thus, I will leave my rose colored glasses resting quietly on the rock and close the door on foolish, sentimental love; a love that I sent into the darkened depths to bring hope back, only to lose both. Perhaps they will dance together, locked in an impassioned embrace – away from the realities of the toxic contamination of loneliness.  
 
Metaphorically, I said good bye today to the last shards of a life that I’ve been clinging to desperately. I released the remnants of my dreams and passions with him, so that he may truly experience the freedom he seeks. Then, I closed the door to my heart and soul, while they wailed in protest. Fairy tale endings only happen in story books. Although one’s life may tell a story, I fear if hope is allowed to color the pictures, the ending becomes too surreal to be real.  I had asked him to grow old with me, while we witnessed the rise and fall of life’s journey, together. Although my life isn’t over, I have to realize his journey with me, is.
 
This morning, when I woke to see if the sun would rise, I made the choice that this will be the first day that I will not know hope, but I will know resolve. I will not wish for the pained love that has been consuming my every waking thought and desire, but I will discover a strength; one that will allow me to place one foot in front of the other and begin my journey, alone.
 
Should this bottled note ever find its way across time and space to you, know I did believe in you and I will always love the man that kept my heart and soul safe - a man, whose embrace shattered the world’s ills; whose touch seared skin; whose love washed across me like a blissful breeze kissing my body. May you find what you’re searching for and may it be all that you wish it is. May these words chase the echoes of hope into the darkened depths where I can no longer wait, listening to faded silence -  For if I do, I will surely fall into those depths and be lost for the eternity I would have spent with you.
 
 
Current Location: alone
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Suzzane Ciani
 
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freedompath
12 July 2007 @ 10:54 am
Our bodies..  
Turning a discussion from the perception of others to the perception of self, (by the self) brings me to ask the question: are we simply the construct of tangible/tactile physiology, which manufactures a spiritual essence based on social teachings, or do we in fact begin as spiritual/ethereal beings which are temporarily housed in a biodegradable vessel?  What happens when the physical conflicts with the spiritual?  Which should win and based on what? Someone else’s definition or our own?
 
If the argument can be made that our bodies are both physical and spiritual, yet at the center we are spiritual creatures, with our bodies built to protect our spirits/souls, then shouldn’t our core beings take precedence in our lives, guiding our actions or behavior?  And if it does, what consideration should be given at to our “center being”, (which typically can not be seen with our own physical eyes, let alone anyone else’s) as that being the “real” person, despite their behavior?  Yet, when we judge and/or accept/reject, are we doing so based on what is seen by our eyes or felt by our instincts? We tend (as the last two days of discussions have demonstrated) to judge and conclude based on what is seen. We judge ourselves, our bodies, each other’s bodies, each other’s physical actions – all based on what we see or hear or what law is written or what social tenant dictates behavior. Yet, the body isn’t really who we are. We didn’t create our own bodies.  We have no control over its DNA makeup.  How often do we stop to consider the spirit that exists inside another and determine our like/dislike of the individual based on their inner self or our perception of their behavior?  Sitting Buill stated in a council meeting of Teton Sioux Elders, “At the center of all human beings is the place of good. That includes myself. At my very core is good. I can find this place by staying free of resentments, fear, dishonesty and self-seeking motives. My Creator, the Great Spirit, keep me free this day of resentment, selfishness, dishonesty and fear.”  However, according to history Sitting Bull’s core being was never taken into account when it came to the United States Calvary.  
 
What lies within our bodies is what we do mold or create or manifest.  We say we “know something to be true” when we feel passionately or instinctively about something, regardless of physical proof. Isn’t it our instincts/virtues that guide our principles and beliefs and aren’t these founded by the sense of spirit from within? But, when we judge and accuse and condemn, how often do we stop to consider what exists inside our bodies?       
 
 
Current Mood: touched
Current Music: the echos of distant drums
 
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freedompath
10 July 2007 @ 08:48 am
Acceptance...  
I've recently realized that to be accepted necessitates acceptance of others. I've also realized how twisted this ideology can get when the spirit attempts to rise above the confines of socialism. To the indigenous people of this amazing country, the teachings of acceptance is universal across all tribes. It is a state of mind, an attitude, a way of life that is possessed as part of the culture. However,  when I attempt to adopt this concept, I find shackles of shallow insecurities and socialized conventions still tether me to judgment. Brooke Medicine Eagle wrote the following: "Being Indian..is a way of being in harmony with all things and all beings. It is allowing the heart to be the distributor of energy on this planet; to allow feelings and sensitivities to determine where energy goes; bringing aliveness up from the Earth and from the Sky, putting it in and giving it out from the heart." 

Why is it that following such a noble, honorable and simple ideology collides head long into discord, selfishness, greed, biases and criticism of our contemporary society?  The simplest gesture of unconditional kindness - a smile from a stranger in the elevator when spirits are down - is so often forgotten, when at the same time, a nasty gesture from an impatient driver lingers with us, causing our attitude to sour? The loss of my partner left this unbelievable void in my life, yet it's filling slowly with parts of me that I almost forgot existed. However, some of these parts are submerged in the socialism of judgment and stereotype. This is in part why I believe I lost my partner. I opened my heart and soul - and gave love in abundance, but I didn't open my mind. I am not proud of these aspects and am sorry that I allowed them to ever take root.  I think I will put these parts back into the Earth, where perhaps the Mother can use them as fertilizer to make benevolence grow for others, so they may find inner harmony in all things. We are all related. We share the same joys and sorrows. We feel the same pains at loss and the same exuberance in discoveries. We all bleed. We all cry. We all laugh.  Do we not call each other brother or sister, lover, friend?  If these truths are self-evident, why then do we still harbor resentment?

"Only out of the ashes of resentment can we rise into the sky to soar with the eagles and glide on the currents of tolerance and acceptance. " - unknown
 
 
Current Location: farthest from where I would like to be
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: country/Brule
 
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freedompath
15 June 2007 @ 08:58 am
Apparently a Happy Birthday is in Order  
May the anniversary of your birth bring you joy and happiness. Know that with each year comes unexpected pleasures, surprises and disappointments, but take only that which allows you to enjoy your life.
 
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freedompath
14 June 2007 @ 12:31 am
Recent return - Change  

The breath of experiences that traverses the lives of this community from to day to day is impressive. In going from journal to journal and comments that lead to other comments, this collection of friends and acquaintances truly covers the spectrum of perceptions, interpretations, assumptions and observations. 

In somewhat of a melancholic state, I am back to asking the input from those whose travels and viewpoints allow a much broader spectrum then my own. When someone dies,  we experience great remorse, sadness, loss, mourning, etc.. Then, out of respect for the departed we work very hard to remember only the positives and lose sight of any misgivings. Yet, when one loses a relationship with a life partner, the same emotions exist, in much the same intensity, but we seem to  focus on the negative and the hurt. Why is that? In a sense, are they not both a "death"? Shouldn't  the two experiences be regarded as the same? 

If one argues that there is no comparison between the two, based on the fundamental difference that one involves the loss of mortal life, the other the loss of an emotional life that can be supplemented by another, then perhaps the argument can be reduced simply to the process of change. So, I return to how to do just that: process change. 

I have an urn that sits upon a shelf, holding my best friend. The truest, kindest love anyone could be fortunate enough to have. I used to think that I had found Nirvana and everyday after the first would only be gravy. For many years, this was my solitude, my sanctuary, my solace. There was a time I knew peace, which is why I know it exists. However, I connected my peace within the home of the soul that rests on my shelf. How then, do I get it back? Will the change in time allow me to draw it back into myself, as so many of you have recommended or do I change myself and go in search of it from some alternate source? Why does one choose to change and forfeit a life that could only be described as blessed and fortunate?

 
 
Current Location: under a darkened moon
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: crickets
 
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freedompath
07 June 2007 @ 11:17 pm
knowing thy self - an oxymoron?  
Do we know ourselves because of what we believe ourselves to be or what we've been told by others our entire lives that truly defines who we are? If I were raised in a place where the shaking of hands was an insult, my socialization would then become offended at a greeting gesture. Yet, if I were raised in a culture where the shaking of hands was interpreted as an  intimate exchange, then my perception of the person's whose hand I held would depend solely on what I have been taught by my social training. I'm still struggling to understand the person within. If I turn to a higher being for guidance, am I forgoing my own will? If I take the advice from friends who want only what's best for me, am I defining my actions based on their recommendations? If i listen to only what lies insides and ignore all external influences, am I subject to condemnation as I didn't follow a social confine or tenant? If we lose that which is closest to us, that which helped define who or what we are, then are we guilty of putting ones of self on others? Yet, how does one give freely of self if one doesn't truly know the self that's being given.   I;ve stood in awe (for years) of people with brilliant minds, most often because they could present perspectives that I could not or not see. 
 
 
Current Location: alone
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Close Encounters
 
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freedompath
06 June 2007 @ 07:23 pm
in response  
 I am most thankful for the kind and insightful words I've received from my inquiries. It allows me to see different facets of perceptions that I didn't see before. Thus, I find myself asking yet more questions about from where people find their muse, their source, their spirit, their power, their chi, whatever it is that keeps them alive and searching for tomorrow's discoveries. As I've read posts, I've seen music, children, quotes, poems, techno facinations - everything across the gambit that fills the seconds and minutes and hours of everyone's day.  Yet, I find myself coming back to what links everyone here? This techo/social community is a most complex compilation of souls and senses - all different, yet all related. Are the differences between everyone those aspects that creates this bonding dynamic?
 
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freedompath
05 June 2007 @ 09:50 am
Light  
In all of the responses I've received to date to my inquiries, I'm thinking I'm hearing a common theme. That is whether it is peace, or stability or balance or calm - somewhere there must be a center, a source if you will. Although it may be an obvious observation in description, I find myself struggling with how to harness or concentrate to this "source" in order to have a consistent well or ground or foundation; one that does not crumble under the weight of loss.  I've read several references by many of you to that of 'light' being a source. Is there a source in "darkness" as well? Is there a difference? If so, what (not who) truly defines the difference?
 
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freedompath
04 June 2007 @ 02:41 am
perplexed  
If peace does not exist within society, how does one seek peace within ones self? Conversely, if peace does not exist within the self, can it ever exist withing a social structure? If there is anger at that which can not be changed, then there is no peace, because peace and anger can not co-exist, can they? Yet, everyday actions and words invoke anger, which dissipates the peace. So, is the ultimate source of finding inner peace is to be alone?
 
 
Current Mood: confused
 
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freedompath
03 June 2007 @ 12:05 am
To believe..  

Is Spirituality the source of balance is it the self? As I understand it, many of you from Heartland and the KC Renn faire have non-traditional belief systems. I am in search of truth and a direction for hope. When darkness descends where does the light come from? I recently lost my life partner and am searching for a place to start anew. Is there a consensus as to where I can go or any books that would help shed light on finding hope, when there is no hope?

 
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